Top Ten
In accordance with the Science and Health Theme Day subject of “Top Ten Lists”, I thought I’d dispense with all the boring “useful information” or “actual facts” and instead give you a useless and most likely punchy list off the top of my head. Apologies in advance. I’ll call it…
Top Ten Things No One Tells You About the Stupid Beedies Before the Universe Up and Gives It to You
10) While it’s true that they tell you that having diabetes means that your extremities heal more slowly, no one ever really pointed out that this means that if you get a tattoo on your arm, it will take a long time to heal, which means you might end up wear Saran Wrap around your arm to work all week long. No one tells you about the look you’ll get for having TV Dinner Arm, either, but you can probably figure that one out for yourself.
9) On that topic, no one tells you that when you go to get your year-old tattoo finished, the place will ask you to sign a form stating that you’re over eighteen, no one’s forcing you to get a tattoo, you’re not insane, you’re not pregnant, and yes, that you are not diabetic. (I figured that since I began this particular tattoo before I was diagnosed, I was grandfathered in. So I lied. What? Don’t look at me like that.)
8) I don’t think I was real clear on the whole “carbs are the same as sugar” thing. Hey, guess what contains carbs? That’s right, friends. EVERY DAMN FOOD IN THE WORLD. Except for the green stuff. The food that food eats, in other words.
7) No one pointed out to me that there are not one but TWO Shipley Donuts between my apartment and my workplace, and that they hire mythical sirens to taunt and entice me as I drive by. Stupid sirens in their little bikinis, making my Volkswagen swerve into the parking lot like that.
6) When you lose thirty pounds in six months, people look at you differently, like you suddenly matter because you’re not fat. I should be insulted by that, and I am, but I’m noticing something shameful that I’ve seen in others but never expected to see in myself. And this is true, people. No one is meaner to fat people, even if just in their heads, than the formerly fat. I have no idea what that’s all about.
5) If someone asks about your medical alert ID bracelet and you tell them you have mad cow disease, they’re probably not going to think it’s as funny as you do. Well, screw ‘em. It’s your diabetes, you get to make morbid jokes about it. (Note: If you made that joke to someone and it turns out that they actually did have mad cow disease themselves, I’ll bet that would be pretty embarrassing. Just something to keep in mind.)
4) When you’re watching television with friends and family and one of those commercials for erectile dysfunction drugs come on and the fat guy starts talking about diabetes, everyone will glance at you. You may very well need to drop trou and show everyone that you’re still the one, so to speak.
3) The flip side of that is if you have diabetes and you go to the doctor, they will almost certainly give you drugs of that nature, which are relatively benign when compared to crazy barfomatic meds like glucophage. And if you don’t actually need these miracle drugs but you take them anyway, well. You know. I hear tell there’s a party waiting to happen. Rumor has it that you could be a very popular diabetic. I know it seems wrong, but you know what? Having diabetes SUCKS. You’d might as well grab a break if there’s one to be had. I’m just saying.
2) If you lose a leg in the war, the army will buy you a fancy pants, high-tech computerized prosthetic “C-leg”, valued at like $50k. If you are a civilian and you lose a leg to diabetes, you’ll get some plastic piece of crap with a sock stuffed in the socket to make it fit. So if you have diabetes and your feet feel like they’re not going to hold out, you might consider joining the army.
And the Number One Thing They Don’t Tell You About Being Diabetic Beforehand…
1) Everyone in the world has advice for you. And if you follow it? Your diabetes will GO AWAY!
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Yeah, I have Issues…
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6 opinions for Top Ten
Hsien Lei
Sep 7, 2006 at 2:00 am
Don’t forget the Goji juice! :P
A Hearty Life » 10 Places to Learn About Your Heart
Sep 7, 2006 at 2:45 am
[...] Today is b5media’s monthly Science and Health Channel Theme Day. All around the channel, we’ll be posting top 10 lists from 10 Reasons to Make Your Bed at Chronic Fatigue Syndrome to Top Ten Things No One Tells You About the Stupid Beedies Before the Universe Up and Gives It to You at Diabetes Notes. My list isn’t going to be quite as creative, but I hope it will give you a head start on a hearty life! [...]
MRSA Notes » Top Ten Lists at b5media’s Science and Health Channel!
Sep 7, 2006 at 5:32 am
[...] Rob at Diabetes Notes has Top Ten Things No One Tells You About the Stupid Beedies Before the Universe Up and Gives It to You. This is well worth a read whether “the beedies” has touched your life or not. Hilarious. [...]
Heather
Sep 7, 2006 at 6:42 am
Hilarious!
I’ve learned a lot about the diabetic/ weight loss connection as I’ve cut down on my carbs. It’s much easier to tell someone you’re diabetic than that you’re on a diet. Yet we have to eat much the same way.
The worst place is the movie theater — when I’m eating the way I should, I can’t find anything healthy to eat at the theater.
Rhys
Sep 7, 2006 at 8:51 am
Fabulous entry! And cute pic, too! Hysterical yet informative. And doesn’t #1 just drive you crazy?
The Homely Scientist » It’s channel theme day! Top 10 things I love about science
Sep 7, 2006 at 9:04 am
[...] So there is my list. I don’t think I meant for this to be a funny post at first. I guess it’s the early morning mood. That and I read Rob’s diabetes top ten list and I was inspired. [...]
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